ITHACA, NY — Pooters Restaurant Inc., located in Tompkins County, has been forced to replace its entire menu with something that tastes decent, it emerged Monday.
The Food and Standards Department of the national restaurant chain will impose tough new guidelines on the orange-’cha-glad-you-didn’t-eat-that franchise. Management officials are now desperately looking for ingredients that approximate flavor.
A Pooters spokesman admitted that the wood chip and sand-based meals that they had been offering their customers had experienced some sagging sales of late.
“I was a bit surprised that our new Large Shoe-Leather Supreme Sandwich wasn’t exactly ringing the cash register,” remarked Tony Townley, Director of Shingle Slices, “but I put the blame on squarely on the economy and President Obama (He’s one of them-there democrats, you know?) Who knew that ‘taste’ had anything to do with our chain’s ‘success’?”
Pooters has witnessed a remarkably consistent drop in same-store revenue since the introduction of a variety of new menu items including Pooters Fried Hair Plugs, Toe Jam and Egg Quesadillas, Anatomically Correct Chicken Nuggets, Owl-Dropping Soup Surprise, and Metamucil Smoothies.
“Listen, I just do what corporate says,” continued Townley while eating Prozac from an old bra. “Do I look like I get paid to think?”
Pooters is looking forward to adjusting their menu by June. Dubious dishes such as Kitchen Floor Mystery Crunch, Fruit ‘n’ Flounder Yogurt, Dusty Dugout Oysters and Giant Toasted Ants are expected to make the cut.