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Buckin’ Burger Contact Solution Selling Poorly. “Disappointning,” Says CEO Guller.

Published on October 22, 2014, by in Uncategorized.

For red eye just add mustard.

AUSTIN, TX – Bikinis Sports Bar & Grill executives expressed disappointment this week when initial sales figures for their new Buckin’ Burger Contact Solution proved negligible.

Company analysts had expected the product to sell relatively well on the strength of the product’s novelty and a campaign targeting the coveted 25-35-year-old demographic. However, the campaign seems to have little effect, and retailers are reporting only a handful of sales throughout the Texas and Southeast regions.

The Buckin’ Burger campaign highlights the product’s ‘easy rub formula,” which admittedly does not include a lovely member of the Bikinis work staff. However, Bikinis CEO, Douglas Guller, had hoped the mere suggestion of “easy rub” would translate into a selling point. Plus, emphasizing the water-saving advantages that the Bikinis campaign calculated would appeal to the ecologically-minded Millennial demographic.

“We don’t yet know exactly where we went wrong,” said Guller, while reviewing the profit and loss statement. “The focus groups were pretty clear on the fact that sticking a liquid form of our delicious charbroiled Buckin’ Burger in one’s eye was a promising feature, and that the design and color of the packaging was eye-catching and bright. We had a fabulous slogan for the ad campaign, so it’s going to take some more granular data analysis to get to the bottom of this.” The “That’s it, easy rub it. Easy rub it, good.” campaign launched in February, with ads on billboards, in print media, online, and a sprinkle of spots on network TV.

Guller hopes his other brands make up for the losses generated by the contact solution failure. He also oversees a new men’s shaver called the Rusty Schick Quattro and a nasal decongestant called Nose Muffs. Even if they do well, says Guller, “this one is hard to swallow,” quickly adding, “but when you do — it tastes really great!”


Further Adventures for James Brand, Very Hungry Secret Agent & Super Spy

Published on October 15, 2014, by in Uncategorized.

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Gentlemen, Remember to Shave

Published on October 8, 2014, by in Uncategorized.

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Word to Bikinis Job Seekers — Don’t Be Duped.

Published on October 1, 2014, by in Uncategorized.


Bikinis Sports Bar & Grill provides equal employment opportunity without regard to sex (e.g., gender, pregnancy, childbirth or related medical conditions), race, religion, color, national origin, ancestry, age, physical or mental disability, sexual orientation, gender identity, family care leave status, veteran status or any other basis protected by federal, state or local law.

In addition, we are committed to fair and equitable treatment of each and every associate and strive to promote diversity within our workforce, recognizing that our continued growth and business success depends on the development and utilization of the full range of our fine company’s human resources.

However (and there is always a however in life) we make every effort not hire candidates that can be easily hoodwinked.

CASE IN POINT : “Jodee” here would have difficulty passing our rigorous screening process.



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Bikinis Customer Sues DMV Over Driver’s License Photo

DMVsighAUSTIN, TX – A 56-year-old man sued the state’s Department of Motor Vehicles on Tuesday because the agency wouldn’t allow him to take a driver’s license photo while eating a Buckin’ Burger purchased at a nearby breastaurant.

Nathan Boxcutter, who regularly frequents Bikinis Sports Bar & Grill for lunch, refused to pose for his driver license pic sans his favorite sandwich. During a news conference Tuesday at the Statehouse in Austin, he told reporters that being ordered by officials to drop what they described as “just another fast food burger” was both insulting and degrading.

“I left the DMV feeling humiliated,” Boxcutter said. “I want to be myself and have a driver’s license photo that accurately reflects my buckin’ personality. My inner me.”

After passing his driving test in March, Boxcutter went to get his license at a DMV office in Austin. That day, as is the case every day, Boxcutter brought along a delicious, toothsome, beautiful meal-within-a-meal, that he likes to call his Buckin’ buddy.

But the agency wouldn’t let Boxcutter pose for a photo with his man-meat because of a policy that bans license pictures featuring someone who is willfully chewing during their photo snap. After several attempts, Boxcutter says the sumptuous addition was removed to the satisfaction of DMV employees, and a license photo was ultimately taken.

Boxcutter’s mother filed the lawsuit in federal court on her son’s behalf.

“(It was) very confusing, heart-breaking and heart-wrenching to see my son degraded like that and attempts at humiliating him for consuming his favorite flame-broiled burg. It’s not like he was gnawing on a Pop Tart, or (gag) something from Chipotle,” Betty Boxcutter told FOX News affiliate KFOXXX.

In June, a New York group known as the Mighty Fine Burger Defense and Education Fund wrote to DMV officials, asking that Boxcutter be allowed to have a new photo taken that’s more reflective of his daily lunchtime nutritional obsession. The agency refused, citing DMV policy saying that “at no time will an applicant be photographed while purposely ‘chowing-down’ on a freshly made sandwich, no matter how incredibly delectable it is. Imagine the trend that might start? People might begin to smile while having their driver’s license photo taken. The DMV might become a happier, more enjoyable place. It would bred anarchy. There would be pandemonium. We can’t have that. These photos must reflect the DMVs main objective — which is to discourage anyone from developing any positive self-esteem or psychological well-being when displaying their license in public.”


What Men In Bikinis Say

Published on September 3, 2014, by in Uncategorized.

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This Day In Bikinis History

Published on August 27, 2014, by in Uncategorized.










March 1774 — A month after developing his revolutionary theory of gravity, Sir Isaac Guller formulates the equally impressive ‘Three Second Rule,’ when a chicken wing falls off the bar, lands in a puddle of Ye Old Coke mixed with sawdust, and he decides it’s okay to eat anyway ‘coz he picked it up right away.

May 1986 — Boxer George Foreman loses his title to Muhammad Ali in the famous Rumble in the Jungle fight in Zaire, blaming a lack of concentration during the fight. “I suddenly had a hankering for a Buckin’ Burger with all the trimmings,” said George in the post match press conference. “I also had this great idea for a fat reducing appliance that sits on a table top. Man, I sure picked a bad time to go all entrepreneurial.”

August 2010 — Erotic porn star, Dee Cupps, cuts the ribbon for the grand opening of yet another successful Bikinis Sports Bar and Grill franchise. Staged in southwest Texas in the middle of summer, Dee insists on performing the ceremony topless. Unfortunately, no one remembers much about the actual proceedings. Most of the audience were male and to this day claim to have been mysteriously hypnotized.

September 1848 — Protestant reformer Martin Luther nails a copy of the Bikinis Sports Bar & Grill menu to a church door in a public protest against boring lunchtime fare (and indulgences). Luther announces to the crowd who gathers to witness his demonstration: “Well don’t just stand there, go get yourself a delicious plate of minis! Must I think of everything?”


President Barack Goes Buckin’ Crazy

Published on August 20, 2014, by in Uncategorized.

Bikinis Barack


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