AUSTIN, TX — As we head towards 2015 (ALERT: ORDER YOUR NEW BIKINIS CALENDAR TODAY. MAKES A HOT HOLIDAY GIFT TO YOURSELF.) it’s nice to reflect on our greatest breastaurant moments.
Since great-great gran-pappy, Douglas “Fern” Guller Sr., founded the very first Bikinis Sports Bar and Livery Stable back in 1860, happy customers have choked our locations with burger consumptions and general merriment while transfixed to the big game being broadcast on the
ye ol’ screen-o’-flat.
Back then it wasn’t Army v Navy.
It was North v South.
Blue v gray.
Brother v brother-from-another-mother.
Back then, half the country was covered in weevils.
The other half by goats.
Adolph was a popular name for boys.
A raffish slacker would routinely be treated roughly for un-gallant utterances.
And scandalous woolen bathing costumes would feature nearly bare arms and “gasp” neck area. Corset makers demanded to know how a corset could be worn in these revealing new designs.
And what of videos?
Back then, they were called “moving picture photo-plays.” Any feature lasting more than six minutes was considered agonizingly long and required an intermission.
Let’s take a look at some rare Bikinis video footage. Circa 1900. Notice the beverage. We are investigating. We believe it might be alcoholic. Beer, perhaps.
Share this rare video with your server. You can discuss its significance over a complimentary drink. It doesn’t hurt to ask. They can only say no.
This week, current and former Sidekickettes—the cheer squad for the Dallas Sidekicks—filed suit in the Dallas County Superior Court, claiming that the professional soccer team “withholds all pay from the Sidekickettes until after the season is over, does not pay for all hours worked and forces the cheerleaders to pay many of their own business expenses,” according to the the team website.
The Sidekickettes’ lawyer, who is demanding tens of hundreds of dollars in back-pay, said the cheerleaders make only $850 a year, or less than $3 an hour, and they’re fined for minor lapses like bringing the wrong pom-poms to rehearsals or for “not knowing the names of some of the players.”
“Big deal. I can’t remember what I had for lunch. Get off my back,” snapped one cheerless-cheerleader.
Another plaintiff added that the team also makes the women fluff their own hair, apply their own makeup, drive their own car, and attend photo sessions at Hooters.
“Hooters?!?,” said the Sidekickette. “Why? Haven’t we been punished enough? Now we have to pose with flat beer, orange owls, and dry chicken wings? I need a smoke. Someone get me my vaporizer!”
The Sidekicks, of the MASL (Major Arena Shocker League), though, are far from the only—or even the worst—offenders when it comes to seriously stupping the cheerleaders. The Effingham Effing Hammers “Hammerhead Girlz” get $7.50 for each home game, bus fare, a Tilted Kilt employment brochure, along with two game tickets and one parking pass.
The Baltimore Toot Cheerleaders (the Teets) make $37.00 for each of 10 (mandatory) performances at home games. That includes showing up eight hours before the game starts, running practice twice a week for three hours while “coach” goes for another “pizza,” and participating in an awkward “foot massage therapy training camp” each June.
“Becoming a Baltimore Teet is a huge time commitment,” the FAQ Page reads.“ However, it is an experience you will never forget.” Testify.
But before we award pro indoor soccer the social-justice industry award, it’s worth remembering that professional cheerleaders are also paid a fee for the dozens of promotional appearances they make each season. Or as the Dallas Sidekickettes Cheerleaders site puts it, “Opportunities for paid appearances and pom exposure. Show off your poms. Show your pom potential! Do it right NOW!! DO IT!!!”
The cheerleader positions are technically part-time jobs, so most of the squads require the women to have outside sources of income. (A GENTLE REMINDER: Ladies, Bikinis Sports Bar & Grill, is a fine employment option and is always on the lookout for talented individuals to help us out. We pay well. Offer a great environment and flexible schedules.)
BIKINIS SPORTS BAR & GRILL IS HIRING
Like in high school, being a professional cheerleader can have fringe benefits beyond game day. Dallas Sidekickettes Cheerleaders have traveled the world to such exotic locales as Tulsa, Wichita, Brownsville and Hildago.
But for the Sidekickettes, those perks just don’t cut it.
“I love the Sidekicks and I love being a Sidekickette,” the squad’s lead plaintiff said. “But someone has to stand up for all of the women of pro sports who work so hard for the fans and the teams.”
QUICK NOTE: The Arlington Texas Bikinis Sports Bar and Grill will be OPEN on Thanksgiving Day, November 27, 2014.
Most Bikinis Sports Stuffing & Giblet locations will be closed Thursday — to honor those brave pilgrims who wore shiny belt-buckles on their hats.
But the Arlington breastaurant branch will defiantly remain open from 11:30AM on — to honor brave cowpokes who wear shiny blue and white stars on their awesome helmets.
So, choke down that Tryptophan and meat goo, Myles Standish. When yer done with your familial obligations, stop by Bikinis Sports Bar & Grill in Arlington. Feast on some delicious pinkskin football.
AUSTIN, TX — Full Disclosure: Bikinis Sports Bar & Grill is NOT trying to get you to drink more beer. The commercials found in the video below are meant to help bring a smile to your face. We do not condone nor endorse any of the yummy yeast-based bevies contained within its footage.
But like that great actor, Homer Simpson, once said: “Mmmm, beer, is there anything it can’t do?”
KANSAS CITY, KS — The Kansas City Royals obliged the baseball world last night when they beat the San Francisco Giants 10-0 in Game 6.
Blowouts aside, what Royals catcher, Salvador Perez, really enjoys are the occasional pitcher mound visits with manager, Ned Yost.
“It’s really pleasant and touching every time we get together,” said Perez, “He’s so thoughtful and considerate. This evening Ned uncorked a lovely bottle of wine and surprised us all with a generous plate of plump, juicy Bikinis Sports Bar & Grill wings tossed in homemade sauces, served with celery and a choice of succulent ranch or Bleu cheese dressing. The little devil even sprang for the entire 50-wing party platter. Really, it was so sweet. I know we were ahead like a ga-zillion runs, but he really shouldn’t have.”
“What can I say,” cooed Yost, “it was a beautiful night. We’re were nestled amid lovely surroundings. Things were going so well. The park never looked better. Everyone was giddy with excitement and extra effort. How could you not commemorate this ‘something special’ moment with an inviting nosh of culinary Bikinis goodness? I mean, they grow up so fast. Times like this need to be cherished, nurtured.”
Following leisurely sips of a pleasant 2011 Viogner vintage and a final, playful, finger-licking exchange between “el Katch-or” and his handsome gaffer, Game 6 resumed.
Their only regret?
“A companion order, perhaps,” continued a slightly breathless back-stopper.
“It’s a tiny shame we didn’t cap off our mid-mound tryst with a tasty Chicken Fajita Taco or a crispy Pulled Pork Mini accented with a subtle floral arrangement. But let’s not quibble. The setting and sentiment was exquisite. So Bikini-esque.”
The lopsided Royals victory will force a seventh and deciding game against the San Francisco Giants tonight on FOX.
“Is that true? That hadn’t occurred to me,” purred Perez.
AUSTIN, TX – Bikinis Sports Bar & Grill executives expressed disappointment this week when initial sales figures for their new Buckin’ Burger Contact Solution proved negligible.
Company analysts had expected the product to sell relatively well on the strength of the product’s novelty and a campaign targeting the coveted 25-35-year-old demographic. However, the campaign seems to have little effect, and retailers are reporting only a handful of sales throughout the Texas and Southeast regions.
The Buckin’ Burger campaign highlights the product’s ‘easy rub formula,” which admittedly does not include a lovely member of the Bikinis work staff. However, Bikinis CEO, Douglas Guller, had hoped the mere suggestion of “easy rub” would translate into a selling point. Plus, emphasizing the water-saving advantages that the Bikinis campaign calculated would appeal to the ecologically-minded Millennial demographic.
“We don’t yet know exactly where we went wrong,” said Guller, while reviewing the profit and loss statement. “The focus groups were pretty clear on the fact that sticking a liquid form of our delicious charbroiled Buckin’ Burger in one’s eye was a promising feature, and that the design and color of the packaging was eye-catching and bright. We had a fabulous slogan for the ad campaign, so it’s going to take some more granular data analysis to get to the bottom of this.” The “That’s it, easy rub it. Easy rub it, good.” campaign launched in February, with ads on billboards, in print media, online, and a sprinkle of spots on network TV.
Guller hopes his other brands make up for the losses generated by the contact solution failure. He also oversees a new men’s shaver called the Rusty Schick Quattro and a nasal decongestant called Nose Muffs. Even if they do well, says Guller, “this one is hard to swallow,” quickly adding, “but when you do — it tastes really great!”