Bikinis Bogus Blog

“My mother was the most beautiful woman I ever saw. All I am I owe to my mother. I attribute all my success in life to the moral, intellectual and physical education I received from her.” – George Washington

“God could not be everywhere, and therefore he made mothers.” — Rudyard Kipling

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That’s his. — Oscar Wilde.

My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it. – Mark Twain.

My mother loved children – she would have given anything if I had been one.
— Groucho Marx

There is only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it.
– Chinese Proverb

“M” is for the million things she gave me,
“O” means only that she’s growing old,
“T” is for the tears she shed to save me,
“H” is for her heart of purest gold;
“E” is for her eyes, with love-light shining,
“R” means right, and right she’ll always be,
Put them all together, they spell
“MOTHER,”
A word that means the world to me.
Howard Johnson (c. 1915)

“Cut Mom a break this Sunday…bring her by Bikinis Bar and Grill. We’ll serve her for a change.” — Doug Guller

Best thing since "liquid" bread

May 2nd 1931 — Sliced bread is invented by Jasper Guller at the Tuskegee University Culinary Arts Institute and Barber Shoppe. It is hailed at the time as the best thing that there will ever be. With the exception of the Big Buckin’ Burger, of course.

Early days of the first Bikinis franchise

May 2nd 1295 — North Devon, England. Construction of the King Douglas Bikinis Sports Bar & Castle commences. However, work halts after just three days when the builder — Sir Elton Piers Jordan — leaves with his men to finish off another job, leaving two bags of cement, some scaffolding and a broken ye ol’ Bobcat. Jordan returns 355 years later with a stack of wood, a rusted shovel and a porta-potty, but it begins to rain and he goes home.

PM General: "Customers are licking these a lot."

May 2nd 1957 — Due to a mix up, the US Post Office releases a stamp that depicts a scantily clad Bikinis Sports Bar & Grill server posing with a toothsome plate of Beer Battered Minis. The Postmaster General quickly recalls the erroneous items. The stamps were supposed to showcase a Sizzling Steak Taco.

Cromwell: "I'm whack for Bikinis merch!"

May 2nd 1646 On the eve of the Battle of Naseby, Roundhead leader Oliver Cromwell poses for a group photo with a selected number of attractive Bikinis Sports Bar and Grill waitresses. Noted historian (1682) Rob Fudnibble notes: “The brave warrior did look a bit sheepish in the ‘Good Better Breasts‘ t-shirt. Blue is not his color.”

SHOW THIS BLOG TO A SERVER. GET A FREE DRINK. LIMIT ONE PER CUSTOMER. OFFER EXPIRES MAY 7, 2012.

AUSTIN, TX — Every once and while we here at BikinisBogusBlog like to scope out the offices and see if there are any old cans or bottles of ‘liquid-bread’ that we can enjoy before we head out for some Bikinis Sports Bar and Grill menu items.

“Well lookie here! Seems the Beer Fairy has left us a present. Bottle opener, please.”

Who knew that our noisy neighbors to the north had an amusing little ale that adorns their name?

Yes indeed. Oklahoma Suks is worth a good swig…or six,…don’t ‘cha think? Granted, our panel of seasoned beer-belly ‘XL-perts’ were a bit apprehensive. If the name doesn’t give you the willies, the prospect of voluntarily ingesting this Blatz knock-off will.

“Steady now, steady.” Our nerves spiked as we went in for our first fizzy taste.

Now then, it’s a little known fact that in the great state of Oklahoma it is illegal for human beings to make “ugly faces” at dogs (it’s true, look it up) — and as there was a British bulldog in the room at the time of this impromptu taste-test, the gang could have been excused for worrying a bit that our mugs would not be able contain our displeasure; thus running a foul of Johnny-Law.

However, our concern proved unfounded.

Oklahoma Suks, while not the champagne of beers, featured a smooth, refreshingly magical taste that neither overwhelmed nor disappointed an expectant palate. And get this? No dustbowl after-taste.

Upon drinking OK Sux, did a fantastical world of delightful waterfalls and topless Sooner blondes dancing in wooden shoes melt our cares away?

“Er, um, no. But then again Colt. 45 doesn’t do that either. And we love Colt. 45!”

Final BikinisBogusBlog Beer-of-the-Week Rating: “Oklahoma Suks? Well, it doesn’t. Two mugs up!”

Hey, if you get your hands on a few Oklahoma Suks or any other Bikinis Beer-of-the-Week, peel off the label and bring it by our Bikinis location at 8224 Fredericksburg, San Antonio.  We’ll gladly swap you one of there’s for one of ours.  One label can be redeemed for any bottled brew we currently stock.*
(Some restrictions apply. Management reserves the right to cancel terms of this promotion at any time.)

"Them good eats!"

ITHACA, NY — Pooters Restaurant Inc., located in Tompkins County, has been forced to replace its entire menu with something that tastes decent, it emerged Monday.

The Food and Standards Department of the national restaurant chain will impose tough new guidelines on the orange-’cha-glad-you-didn’t-eat-that franchise. Management officials are now desperately looking for ingredients that approximate flavor.

A Pooters spokesman admitted that the wood chip and sand-based meals that they had been offering their customers had experienced some sagging sales of late.

“I was a bit surprised that our new Large Shoe-Leather Supreme Sandwich wasn’t exactly ringing the cash register,” remarked Tony Townley, Director of Shingle Slices, “but I put the blame on squarely on the economy and President Obama (He’s one of them-there democrats, you know?) Who knew that ‘taste’ had anything to do with our chain’s ‘success’?”

Pooters has witnessed a remarkably consistent drop in same-store revenue since the introduction of a variety of new menu items including Pooters Fried Hair Plugs, Toe Jam and Egg Quesadillas, Anatomically Correct Chicken Nuggets, Owl-Dropping Soup Surprise, and Metamucil Smoothies.

“Listen, I just do what corporate says,” continued Townley while eating Prozac from an old bra. “Do I look like I get paid to think?”

Pooters is looking forward to adjusting their menu by June.  Dubious dishes such as Kitchen Floor Mystery Crunch, Fruit ‘n’ Flounder Yogurt, Dusty Dugout Oysters and Giant Toasted Ants are expected to make the cut.

OKLAHOMA CITY, OK — Back in the late 90s, Brooke Burke caused quite a stir. She was a Bikinis-girl bikinis-girl way before our beloved sports bar and grill even existed.

A true visionary, Double-B took to the broadcast airwaves and made an impassioned plea to eradicate the world of defective wall calendars.

This rare video-find (see below) features the former ‘Dancing With the Stars’ winner and ‘Wild On!’ host waxing on about the virtues of her own delicious slack-jawmanac.

Where are you now, Ms. Burke?!? Your website has gone dark. Poof! You have disappeared from the pseudo-celebrity landscape. Reach our to us, Brooke. We speak your language. The management and staff of Bikinis Sports Bar and Grill is prepared to make room in our own calendar to highlight your numerous attributes. If we have to, we’ll add a month.

You read that right. Come forward. Bikinis wants to make you Ms. Smarch!

Fail in Ft. Lauderdale

MIAMI, FL — The U.S. Food and Drug Administration is upping the ante to protect spring break sun bathers. In a tersely worded statement, the FDA warned that alcohol-fueled sun-worshiping can result in regrettable skin tattooing. Skin discolorations that can last days, possibly weeks, if left untreated.

“Kids these days don’t understand that they can be the target of considerable ridicule if they over-tan certain body parts. Sure it’s funny in the beginning. A smiley face on the back, a comical outline of a hand over the stomach. But anything beyond that is gratuitous,” says Dr. Keith Strycula, Director of Lotion Studies at Oxford University.

Over-the-counter sunscreen brands have effectively turned the naked form into a creative canvas upon which to design.

Authorities at the FDA are willing to propose a ban on the distributors of sun-tanning products and enforce tough new standards against both transmission and reception of UVA and UVB rays.

“Not all sunscreens are created equal, we know that,” said Strycula, as he doused a liberal glob of SPF 50 on his alabaster skin, “but if we can prevent just one unnecessary embarrassing sun-tattoo featuring the top half of a female bikini Double-D on an inebriated frat-boy freshman’s unprotected pecs, then we will have done our job.”

"Kick Me" Would Have Worked Too

In Fort Lauderdale, FL alone, there has been 13 confirmed cases of DTT (Dorkwad Tenderfoot Tattooing) and the numbers appear to be on the rise.

“Much of this problem could contained if these college guys would just put down the beer and stay inside until, say, 5:30, in the afternoon,” explained Strycula.

Vacationing co-eds expressed genuine concern for those victimized by this surge in sun-ray graffiti-getting.

“I knew a guy who smeared his name across his skin halfway through the tanning process,” said Texas A&M junior, Mindy Thomas, “Now he’s walking around town with the word ‘F-A-R-T’ plastered on his shoulder blades. It’s really quite sad.”

CHARLOTTE, NC — Gearing up for the annual St. Patrick’s Day festivities, area house painter and beloved rascal, Mark Zikakis, is counting the hours ’til Saturday.

“I’ve really prepared for this year’s celebration. Last year was not good — what with me getting arrested, and all. Who knew you couldn’t smuggle 750-lbs of steamed cabbage across international borders? My bad.”

That memorable week in the pokey changed Mr. Zikakis for the better. Unmarried, the 41-year-old is determined to right-a-great-wrong and snag myself some serious snuggle-time with a yet-to-named female unit.”

His strategy this March 17th will be to catch the fair maiden’s eye with a handsome “shirt-’o-tee” featuring an amusing, and oh-so appropriate quip, along with a matching ball cap.

“These babies worked back in ’87, it’s time to try my o’-luck again.”

Zikakis’ ample torso will be adorned with a very rare “Drunk-o-meter” top from his “Erin-Go-Lick Me” collection. The pithy commentary features a number of comical settings including ‘Sober. Buzzed. Drunk. Hammered. Irish.’

“I’m certain this will attract a great deal of female attention. But once they see my Kelly green hat — that’s when I’ll reel them in.”

The tam o’shanter in question has a few years on it, but the humor transcends time and will enable Marcus to bewitch any babe in the Bikinis Sports Bar and Grill.

“I think the chicks are really drawn to my headpiece because the joke is so universal. I mean, first the logo is awesome! Plus, the whole idea that the Irish would try  any kind of exercise is a hoot. And then to finish it off, who hasn’t ralph-ed like 50 times on St. Pat’s Day? I yorked only last week just for grins. I’m telling you, the girls are gonna dig my look — and my style. This is the kind of high-brow humor that made Carrot-Top such a babe magnet!?!”

AUSTIN, TX — Is there a more icon example of cinematic bikini excellence than the 1960s vision, Raquel Welch?

“Personally, we thinks not.”

Playful. Sultry. Smooth even when the screenplay dropped the ball. Let’s step into the Wayback Machine and peer at a rare clip from a movie that’s long been forgotten…Fathom.

With St. Patrick’s Day just around the corner, Ms. Welch reminds us all to break out our spring lime tops (and bottoms) and celebrate the season … “a rubbin’ of the green, indeed”