AUSTIN, TX — Full Disclosure: Bikinis Sports Bar & Grill is NOT trying to get you to drink more beer. The commercials found in the video below are meant to help bring a smile to your face. We do not condone nor endorse any of the yummy yeast-based bevies contained within its footage.
But like that great actor, Homer Simpson, once said: “Mmmm, beer, is there anything it can’t do?”
KANSAS CITY, KS — The Kansas City Royals obliged the baseball world last night when they beat the San Francisco Giants 10-0 in Game 6.
Blowouts aside, what Royals catcher, Salvador Perez, really enjoys are the occasional pitcher mound visits with manager, Ned Yost.
“It’s really pleasant and touching every time we get together,” said Perez, “He’s so thoughtful and considerate. This evening Ned uncorked a lovely bottle of wine and surprised us all with a generous plate of plump, juicy Bikinis Sports Bar & Grill wings tossed in homemade sauces, served with celery and a choice of succulent ranch or Bleu cheese dressing. The little devil even sprang for the entire 50-wing party platter. Really, it was so sweet. I know we were ahead like a ga-zillion runs, but he really shouldn’t have.”
“What can I say,” cooed Yost, “it was a beautiful night. We’re were nestled amid lovely surroundings. Things were going so well. The park never looked better. Everyone was giddy with excitement and extra effort. How could you not commemorate this ‘something special’ moment with an inviting nosh of culinary Bikinis goodness? I mean, they grow up so fast. Times like this need to be cherished, nurtured.”
Following leisurely sips of a pleasant 2011 Viogner vintage and a final, playful, finger-licking exchange between “el Katch-or” and his handsome gaffer, Game 6 resumed.
Their only regret?
“A companion order, perhaps,” continued a slightly breathless back-stopper.
“It’s a tiny shame we didn’t cap off our mid-mound tryst with a tasty Chicken Fajita Taco or a crispy Pulled Pork Mini accented with a subtle floral arrangement. But let’s not quibble. The setting and sentiment was exquisite. So Bikini-esque.”
The lopsided Royals victory will force a seventh and deciding game against the San Francisco Giants tonight on FOX.
“Is that true? That hadn’t occurred to me,” purred Perez.
AUSTIN, TX – Bikinis Sports Bar & Grill executives expressed disappointment this week when initial sales figures for their new Buckin’ Burger Contact Solution proved negligible.
Company analysts had expected the product to sell relatively well on the strength of the product’s novelty and a campaign targeting the coveted 25-35-year-old demographic. However, the campaign seems to have little effect, and retailers are reporting only a handful of sales throughout the Texas and Southeast regions.
The Buckin’ Burger campaign highlights the product’s ‘easy rub formula,” which admittedly does not include a lovely member of the Bikinis work staff. However, Bikinis CEO, Douglas Guller, had hoped the mere suggestion of “easy rub” would translate into a selling point. Plus, emphasizing the water-saving advantages that the Bikinis campaign calculated would appeal to the ecologically-minded Millennial demographic.
“We don’t yet know exactly where we went wrong,” said Guller, while reviewing the profit and loss statement. “The focus groups were pretty clear on the fact that sticking a liquid form of our delicious charbroiled Buckin’ Burger in one’s eye was a promising feature, and that the design and color of the packaging was eye-catching and bright. We had a fabulous slogan for the ad campaign, so it’s going to take some more granular data analysis to get to the bottom of this.” The “That’s it, easy rub it. Easy rub it, good.” campaign launched in February, with ads on billboards, in print media, online, and a sprinkle of spots on network TV.
Guller hopes his other brands make up for the losses generated by the contact solution failure. He also oversees a new men’s shaver called the Rusty Schick Quattro and a nasal decongestant called Nose Muffs. Even if they do well, says Guller, “this one is hard to swallow,” quickly adding, “but when you do — it tastes really great!”
PLEASE PAY ATTENTION BIKINIS JOB APPLICANTS -
Bikinis Sports Bar & Grill provides equal employment opportunity without regard to sex (e.g., gender, pregnancy, childbirth or related medical conditions), race, religion, color, national origin, ancestry, age, physical or mental disability, sexual orientation, gender identity, family care leave status, veteran status or any other basis protected by federal, state or local law.
In addition, we are committed to fair and equitable treatment of each and every associate and strive to promote diversity within our workforce, recognizing that our continued growth and business success depends on the development and utilization of the full range of our fine company’s human resources.
However (and there is always a however in life) we make every effort not hire candidates that can be easily hoodwinked.
CASE IN POINT : “Jodee” here would have difficulty passing our rigorous screening process.