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Whatever Wannabees Clone Bikinis, TX

Published on July 23, 2014, by in Uncategorized.

WHATEVER, USA — Remember a few weeks ago when the doggedly determined, slightly odorous investigators of bikinisblog.com uncovered a group of shameless copycats who were about to create a town called Sweat?

Well guess what, loyal Bikinis Sports Bar and Grill devotees? It’s happened again. (INSERT GASP HERE)

This time it’s the manufacturers of Bud Light who are forming a township named Whatever, USA.

What the hey, Bud? Keep your eyes on your own paper. You know it was our ingenious and beloved leader, Bikinis CEO Douglas Guller, who first came up with notion of turning a small uninhabited hamlet into one serious party/concert happy-hoppy town.

Oh, for shame, AB. What next? Should we anticipate the launch of a brand new product — say, the Buckin’ Bud Beer in mini keg form?

“Hey ya know what? That’s not a bad idea…,” said Kenny Rockman, head of the fictitious BSB&G marketing team. “Crank out some preliminary sketches and put ‘em on my desk by the morning!”

If imitation is indeed the finest form of flattery then let’s take a look at what the Bud pirates are planning…

“There had better not be a salad bar.”


Bikinis Pageant & BBQ Cook-Off Safety Tips

Published on July 16, 2014, by in Uncategorized.

FREDERICKSBURG, TX — This weekend is, of course, the much anticipated Bikinis Pageant & BBQ Cook-Off.

As a public service we here at Bikinis Bogus Blog believe it is our duty to remind all participants of a few BBQ and Pageant Safety Tips that will help insure universal protection and well-being:

1) If you run out of charcoal please don’t light a tire.

2) Do NOT lick the grill.

3) If the smoke from the grill bothers you, simply crack open the window of your truck.

4) Honestly, no one wants to see your meat poker.

5) Be sure to jot down the number of 9-1-1 and display it in a prominent place.

6) Please make sure to keep all sauce away from the tiaras.

7) Contestants will be judged in three categories: poise, interview, and competitive marinating.

Have a good time and bring on the mesquite!



Lesson From Brazil. Eat a Buckin’ Burger and You Won’t Get Creamed.

Published on July 9, 2014, by in Uncategorized.

BELLY-UP HORIZONTAL, BRAZIL — Hey do you want to know why the Samba Kings of Brazil lost so badly to the Gerrrrrrrrr-mans yesterday?

The Brazilians forgot to stock up on some Bikinis-style Buckin’ Burgers, that’s why?

It’s a fact. You can’t win a major global championship without a nutritious serving of pure-beef heaven. The lack of Buckin’ Burgers around the Brazilian camp left Coach Luiz Felipe Scolari’s boys lethargic and logy (Word-of-Day. Look it up.)

So, take heed, hungry patron. Load up on a delicious Buckin’ Burger of outstanding Beef-itude and we guarantee you will not lose to the Germans, 7-1, in Brazil, before 70,000 spectators, during a major sporting event.

If you do — we will gladly give you your money back. (We only ask that you provide video evidence of your role in the devastating and embarrassing drubbing.)

World Cup PoolPix10b


That’s a Good Idea.

Published on July 2, 2014, by in Uncategorized.


Lunch Screen Moment

Published on June 25, 2014, by in Uncategorized.



Lunchtime Mouthful at Bikinis Sports Bar & Grill

Published on June 18, 2014, by in Uncategorized.

AUSTIN, TX — If you’re enjoying a fine meal or adult beverage at one of our outstanding Bikinis Breastaurant locations this summer, rest assured you can watch the World Cup in all its global splendor.

Even if it’s a mouthful.


Kyle Stonerman Predicts Brazil Over Croatia

Published on June 11, 2014, by in Uncategorized.

AUSTIN, TX — The World Cup offers something Bikinis Sports Bar & Grill really really likes — 64 more reasons to enjoy our fantastic food, beverage and big screen TV technology.

Let it be known — Bikinis Sports Bar & Grill is a World Cup Soccer Safe House.

If you wish to extend your lunch to watch Russia v Algeria or Honduras v Switzerland, so be it. You sir, will not be judged.

Reporting from Brazil for Bikinis is former US Mens Scottish Kickball International, Kyle Stonerman.

Kyle has consented to guide our patrons through this fiery four-week footy fest. Whilst reporting, Stonerman will nourish himself frequently with a delicious Buckin’ Burger from Bikinis Sports Bar & Grill. Soon to be a World Cup Classic.


World Cup 2014 Starts Here @ Bikinis Sports Bar & Grill

Published on June 4, 2014, by in Uncategorized.

BRAZIL — Love it or hate it, every four years the sporting globe stops dead in their tracks to watch every moment of the FIFA World Cup. For millions of football, fusbal, futbol, or flippin’ Scottish kickball fans this is a feast of epic Buckin’ Burger-type proportions.

It’s four sumptuous weeks of intense planet-soccer tournament toe-ball.

Naturally, we here at BSB&G are poised and ready for this massive event. We’ve dusted off the flat screens and double checked the beer tap flow. Can you image a better place to watch US v Germany? Or England v Italy? Netherlands v Spain? Or Honduras v Vatican City*? We thought not.

One rule during the tournament though. Should your team score, please resist the urge to pull off your shirt, scream “GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLL” and throw it behind the bar. This might startle to other customers.


Group stage matches only last 90 minutes. In other words, think extended lunch.

Like our BIKINIS Fried Cheesecake, just before kick-off, World Cup soccer balls are wrapped in a flour tortilla shell, flash fried, tossed with cinnamon and sugar, drizzled with caramel and served with premium ice cream.

The USA has never won the World Cup, and they probably won’t this time. Not until they stock their team with guys with one name that end in a vowel like Maradona, Ronaldo, Cafu or Messi. Funny how that works.

NEXT WEEK: Bikinis staff make their World Cup Predictions.

*(EDIT NOTE: While Vatican City technically is a country, we’re not certain they actually qualified.)


Investigative Report: Buckin’ Burger Now Being Used as a Condiment

Published on May 28, 2014, by in Uncategorized.

AUSTIN, TX — The Bikinis Sports Bar & Grill Buckin’ Burger was once considered a stand-alone meal. Not any more. The once mountainous meat sandwich has become a popular condiment, according to a study released by a government agency that studies this sort of stuff.

“It comes as no surprise,” said longtime lunchtime consumer and carnivore, Norton Winkle. “I’ve seen countless people follow my lead.  Sure, I really like ketchup and mustard, but after that, just slap a few more all-meat patties on my burger for good measure.”

Winkle, a retired marketing director, from Springfield, MO., first enjoyed the unique taste of the Buckin’ Burger when stumbled into a San Antonio Bikinis Sports Bar & Grill following a comic book convention back in 2012. He had no idea that his taste buds were about to be taken hostage by the “delicious awesomeness” that is the “B-squared.”

“I hate to say I’m addicted, but I guess I am. I can’t help it. The Buckin’ Burger doesn’t just taste good on another Buckin’ Burger,” explained Winkle, “it goes well on a ‘Nearly World Famous’ Blackened Chicken sandwich. Fish tacos. A steak salad. Stuffed between a few traditional chicken wings. I’ve even placed a Buckin’ Burger on a Fried Twinkie and was good to go. My kids think I’m a bit extreme, but so what? I want to live, live I tell you!”

Winkle now makes Bikinis part of his daily schedule and holds the franchise record for most consecutive appearances at the Bikinis food counter (249). He hopes to discover other appetite innovations.

“I envision a day when a customer will nestle Fried Pickle Chips on top of their Double Chocolate Brownies without fear of scorn and ridicule. I hope by then these combos will be commonplace.


One Dozen Bikinis Job Interview Tips

Published on May 21, 2014, by in Uncategorized.

Getting a job these days isn’t easy.
It’s like Re-Tweeting. It’s tricky.

Here now is 12 Top Ten Tips for Crushing That Next Interview

1) Always arrive early. Give yourself plenty of time to settle your nerves. Show up, like, three days before hand. Pitch a tent. Sleep in the lobby. This also shows commitment and initiative.

2) Brag like a big shot. Studies show that Corporate America is inherently lazy — they never check facts. So go ahead and tell them you invented Instagram. No one will doubt you.

3) If the interview begins to lag, take off your belt, bang it on the table, and begin to yodel “My Old Kentucky Home.”

4) A shot of Cuervo? Why not?!?

5) Don’t pause when asked “Do you have any experience sitting around the office doing nothing?”

6) Dress for success! Purple Uggs and a festive sombrero? Yes. Yes! YES!!

7) Into witchcraft? Great. Share every detail.

8) It’s common knowledge — every winning interview starts with a limerick.

9) Leave mom home.

10) If asked a particularly tough question, feign confusion and then begin hiccuping uncontrollably.

11) First impressions last forever. Immediately after shaking the interviewer’s hand take a bottle of antibacterial sanitizer from your pocket and clean your hand thoroughly so that they know you have good hygiene.

12) Unsure if you finally got the job? Go ahead and drive over to the interviewer’s house later that evening. Knock on the door until they answer.

© Bikinis Bogus Blog
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